I was really riding high on this “whoohoo productivity! goals! progress!” train. I was Pinteresting new organizational habits and kicking butt with writing goals and reading more and hadn’t been on Netflix in like a week–
…and then I thought I was pregnant.
And oh.my.gosh. did everything revert right back to normal.
Writing? Who cares about goals? Let’s just sit and Pinterest the most perfect cutesy way to announce to my parents that they’re going to be grandparents. Let’s start making lists of names and baby gear and Pinteresting every possible baby-related search thing.
I was so EXCITED and it was going to be so PERFECT. The timing was going to be perfect and work was perfect and family was perfect and every single thing in the universe was just all sunshine and rainbows.
I was tracking basal body temperature and all of the signs were there! I ovulated for the first time in I don’t even know how long and I had all of these signs of implantation and blah blah blah. I Googled every pregnancy symptom and every single “what not to do first trimester” variation you could think of.
I charted out my 2 weeks of waiting and then started testing every other day. It was happening. I knew it would happen. Didn’t matter than the first 3 tests were negative– I was pregnant. I knew it. I could feel it. My husband was right on board and we were making plans and life was blissful. Zero productive things happened. But man oh man, it was a good time.
We were meeting my parents for a family reunion that weekend and my heart was all a’flutter with “oh how perfect to tell them we’ll be grandparents!” It was the same city that Dean and I had our first date in AND the same city where we got engaged. Now things were coming full circle and it was harmonious and serendipitous. All of the signs were there and all of the people I loved were there, and I just walked around Temple Square just feeling on Cloud 9.
“I’m just so frustrated that the tests have all been negative!” I vented on Friday.
“Well, take one more test and then… maybe just consider it a no for this month,” my sweet husband ventured.
“NO. Not a chance. I KNOW this is it. This isn’t a no until my period shows up.” I snapped at him really harshly. How dare he doubt me?! I know my body!
My period showed up the next morning.
The next 48-hours were rough. It was the morning of the actual family reunion and I didn’t really talk to anyone and escaped as soon as I could. I closed myself off in our hotel room for the afternoon and just grieved. I was humiliated and disappointed and angry and betrayed…and about 95 other emotions that I don’t have words for.
It was ROUGH.
I was certain 100%, no doubt in my mind. In the days leading up to it, we had even let two family members know our little secret after they had been confused and caught off-guard by how emotional and sensitive I was. I delegated the task of talking to those family members to my husband, because I didn’t even want to talk about it.
So here I am, a few days later.
Thankfully I have a friend who keeps casually nudging me to blog because she looks forward to my posts. She keeps me accountable. I didn’t necessarily WANT to talk about this…but it’s about the only thing that has happened. It’s vulnerable and super embarrassing, but it’s honest. This is the honest-to-goodness truth of my life right now.
I’m trying to look at the bright side of things. I ovulated–HUGE win! My cycle has also started to normalize and regulate itself. It kind of weirds me out that this pattern I’ve been used to for the past year is now longer gone and my body is kind of just doing whatever the heck it feels like…but at the same time, if my body naturally wants to just fix itself and get back into the swing of a normal cycle, I won’t argue with that.
I’m fighting to find that motivation to be more intentional and accomplish all of those things I set out to do like…a month ago. I still want to write more. I still want to read more and Netflix less. I still want to learn all of these hobbies and skills I’ve been eying for awhile but too intimidated to actually jump in and do.
I’m trying to ease myself back into that. I used some Teacher Appreciation Week gift cards and treated myself to a shopping trip to Barnes and Noble where I picked up some books I’ve been recommended and wanting to read: The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown, David and Goliath by Malcolm Gladwell, The Greatest Sherlock Holmes Anthology (we’ve been binging Sherlock and series 4 almost destroyed me, ohhhhmygosh), and A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens because Christmas is too far away and I’m tired of the summer heat. I also ordered a book on managing PCOS symptoms off of Amazon, and I’m excited for that to get here. I haven’t been in to be officially diagnosed with PCOS, but I have a nagging suspicion based off of conversations I’ve had with friends that are diagnosed that I also have PCOS. I’m trying to be proactive and should my self-diagnosis be wrong, it won’t hurt to be more kind to my body. I also treated myself to a Bullet Journal, which is one of those hobbies I’ve wanted to get into.
I’ve gotten to go out on a few shadow sessions for my Easter Seals job and it has been incredible. I’m SO excited for that! I have a few more shadow sessions in the next few days and I’ll probably post about it at some point.
So… big things ARE happening in my life, even if they aren’t Baby Hunt big. And that’s ok. I know that I haven’t been alone in this trial and I have my Savior to thank for that.
One thing I have definitely succeeded at is being more intentional in my spirituality. I’m praying more and reading The Book of Mormon almost every day. It has made all of the difference, and there’s no doubt in my mind that it’s those small daily efforts paying off that has helped me through the last few days.
So I’m trying to hold myself accountable while also re-committing myself to this.
I liked how I felt when I was actively striving for those goals and trying to be intentional. I don’t know if this counts as Round 1.5 or Round 2, but I’m ready for whatever round this is.